Rest

It has been a while since I have posted a blog of substance. Sorry. I have been thinking through my stage in life and I am finally ready to put a little of it on paper... or on the computer screen as the case may be.

I am overwhelmed by the kindness of my God. I moved to Dallas a little over three months ago and my biggest prayer was that I would survive the summer and then get connected quickly. I survived the bar (though kicking and screaming) and am waiting patiently for my exam results. I am not worried or freaked out at the moment. I fear the panic will come at the beginning of November, but for the time being I am content (praise Jesus). After the bar I spent a little over two weeks in Hawaii to refresh and reflect.... However, I absolutely loved every minute of Hawaii and wanted to take EVERYTHING in so my reflecting was virtually non-existent but my fun, excitement, and enjoyment of God's creation was at an all time high, so I am not complaining.

I came back from Hawaii more exhausted than when I left and decided to take a few weeks off before starting my job search. I figured I would get bored after about ten seconds and be ready to find a job, after all, I don't sit still well. I am always running, always planning, always busy. But the strangest thing happened over the last few weeks, I found peace. For the first time in my life (as far back as I have memory) I do not feel any pressure. There is no one I have to please.... no teachers, no bosses... I am not putting external expectations on myself and it is marvelous.

I don't expect it to last forever, but in having no outwardly imposed deadlines or projects or exams to be aiming/preparing for, I actually have time to make my own goals, to dream, and to hear God's voice. Don't get me wrong, law school was very much a dream of mine and I am proud to have finished but my dream was macro and to carry it out meant a whole lot of micro pressure for me (teachers to please, resumes to build, exams to take, etc)... I no longer feel pressure from my classmates (no one in particular but more so the general environment that law school creates) to get a big firm job (something I have never wanted). I no longer feel pressure to make good grades, which is truly freedom for me!

For so long I placed my intellectual identity in my grades and my career possibilities. But as I have blogged about before, somewhere in law school I accepted my intelligence... No small task since have been struggling with it for 24 years. In accepting who the Lord has made me... I am finding that I no longer have anything to prove to myself. I don't have to get that job that looks impressive but that I would hate, because I have nothing to prove... And in that (again) is freedom.

My parents have been so supportive of me from day one. They truly are my biggest cheerleaders and have never once put an ounce of pressure on me... Part of that comes from them knowing I put enough pressure on myself for everyone. My father has told me several times since I have been home that he wants me to find a job that I am excited about and that I don't have to take the first job I am offered. This brings me so much joy because I feel like I can be more selective in my job search and only apply for jobs I actually want... even if that means I don't get a job tomorrow.

Which brings me to another deep thought... I have no idea what I want to do with my life (something I would never say in an interview). I mean obviously my first goal is to be a light for Christ... But how. I am thinking and praying through what I hope to do with my law degree. I got it for a purpose, but I am ready to see where I can use it to give our God the glory. Do I want to work for a firm, the government, a non-profit?!?! These are questions I am trying to ask myself. I think the answer will come more in the form of opened or closed doors, but at the same time I want a vision for the working world.

I still have not started my job search. I was so burnt out after taking the bar that the thought of law made me nauseous. That feeling has subsided, but I want to be excited about looking for a job. I am not quite to that place yet (because I am enjoying this time of rest so much), but I am confident my job search will start shortly. Once I start working there is no stopping it and since I have the luxury of little responsibility at the moment (it is nice having only a few bills which will NEVER happen again in my lifetime), I am going to milk my freedom a tiny bit longer.

Lastly, the Lord has been so gracious to provide me a community quickly. I've previously posted that I am leading youth at Watermark, but I have not mentioned the amazing women I am leading with. In my first two weeks in leadership, I have made several real and deep friendships that could only be described as a blessing from the Lord. I also have had the joy of spending time with three of my best friends from college, Erin, Katie, and Tess. I thrive on fellowship and the Lord has been so gracious to provide me with abundant opportunities.

I am excited and blessed to be in Dallas again and I am really looking forward to this year! It is nice to feel firmly planted in the Lord's will! He brought me here and I see Him more visibly in my life than I have in a long time. I am looking forward to seeing what He has for me next.