Rest

It has been a while since I have posted a blog of substance. Sorry. I have been thinking through my stage in life and I am finally ready to put a little of it on paper... or on the computer screen as the case may be.

I am overwhelmed by the kindness of my God. I moved to Dallas a little over three months ago and my biggest prayer was that I would survive the summer and then get connected quickly. I survived the bar (though kicking and screaming) and am waiting patiently for my exam results. I am not worried or freaked out at the moment. I fear the panic will come at the beginning of November, but for the time being I am content (praise Jesus). After the bar I spent a little over two weeks in Hawaii to refresh and reflect.... However, I absolutely loved every minute of Hawaii and wanted to take EVERYTHING in so my reflecting was virtually non-existent but my fun, excitement, and enjoyment of God's creation was at an all time high, so I am not complaining.

I came back from Hawaii more exhausted than when I left and decided to take a few weeks off before starting my job search. I figured I would get bored after about ten seconds and be ready to find a job, after all, I don't sit still well. I am always running, always planning, always busy. But the strangest thing happened over the last few weeks, I found peace. For the first time in my life (as far back as I have memory) I do not feel any pressure. There is no one I have to please.... no teachers, no bosses... I am not putting external expectations on myself and it is marvelous.

I don't expect it to last forever, but in having no outwardly imposed deadlines or projects or exams to be aiming/preparing for, I actually have time to make my own goals, to dream, and to hear God's voice. Don't get me wrong, law school was very much a dream of mine and I am proud to have finished but my dream was macro and to carry it out meant a whole lot of micro pressure for me (teachers to please, resumes to build, exams to take, etc)... I no longer feel pressure from my classmates (no one in particular but more so the general environment that law school creates) to get a big firm job (something I have never wanted). I no longer feel pressure to make good grades, which is truly freedom for me!

For so long I placed my intellectual identity in my grades and my career possibilities. But as I have blogged about before, somewhere in law school I accepted my intelligence... No small task since have been struggling with it for 24 years. In accepting who the Lord has made me... I am finding that I no longer have anything to prove to myself. I don't have to get that job that looks impressive but that I would hate, because I have nothing to prove... And in that (again) is freedom.

My parents have been so supportive of me from day one. They truly are my biggest cheerleaders and have never once put an ounce of pressure on me... Part of that comes from them knowing I put enough pressure on myself for everyone. My father has told me several times since I have been home that he wants me to find a job that I am excited about and that I don't have to take the first job I am offered. This brings me so much joy because I feel like I can be more selective in my job search and only apply for jobs I actually want... even if that means I don't get a job tomorrow.

Which brings me to another deep thought... I have no idea what I want to do with my life (something I would never say in an interview). I mean obviously my first goal is to be a light for Christ... But how. I am thinking and praying through what I hope to do with my law degree. I got it for a purpose, but I am ready to see where I can use it to give our God the glory. Do I want to work for a firm, the government, a non-profit?!?! These are questions I am trying to ask myself. I think the answer will come more in the form of opened or closed doors, but at the same time I want a vision for the working world.

I still have not started my job search. I was so burnt out after taking the bar that the thought of law made me nauseous. That feeling has subsided, but I want to be excited about looking for a job. I am not quite to that place yet (because I am enjoying this time of rest so much), but I am confident my job search will start shortly. Once I start working there is no stopping it and since I have the luxury of little responsibility at the moment (it is nice having only a few bills which will NEVER happen again in my lifetime), I am going to milk my freedom a tiny bit longer.

Lastly, the Lord has been so gracious to provide me a community quickly. I've previously posted that I am leading youth at Watermark, but I have not mentioned the amazing women I am leading with. In my first two weeks in leadership, I have made several real and deep friendships that could only be described as a blessing from the Lord. I also have had the joy of spending time with three of my best friends from college, Erin, Katie, and Tess. I thrive on fellowship and the Lord has been so gracious to provide me with abundant opportunities.

I am excited and blessed to be in Dallas again and I am really looking forward to this year! It is nice to feel firmly planted in the Lord's will! He brought me here and I see Him more visibly in my life than I have in a long time. I am looking forward to seeing what He has for me next.

My Heart at the Moment

I have not sent out a real update in a long time… partly because I have been busy and partly because I have not really had anything encouraging to write about. Though I still am not feeling very encouraged by my circumstances, my prayer is to leave you encouraged by my update none the less!

I am extremely blessed! I have a loving Savior who died on the Cross for my sins. Not only that but I have known Him for a long time and He has blessed me abundantly by showing me His path from a young age and thus keeping me out of trouble for the most part. I have more deep, real, and amazing friendships than I could ever imagine. And solid friendships that I am confident will stand the test of time. I have more than a handful of people who are dedicated to pray for me on an almost daily basis. Basically, I have gotten everything I have ever wanted. Everything. I have never had to experience hardship. I have never gone hungry. I have always had shelter and I have always had unconditional love. Not just unconditional love from my Lord, but I have been blessed with unconditional love from my family and close friends. I state all of this for myself and not for you. As I prepare to tell you all what I am struggling with I want to remind myself of the many blessings I have. And I want to remind myself that the Lord has always been faithful to me in EVERYTHING and this is no exception.

That being said, I can use your prayer in everything dealing with law school. It is so hard and so discouraging. And if I am not GROUNDED in prayer there are areas that I can be very easily attacked. Last year, God was so unbelievably faithful to confirm that I am supposed to be in law school. I feel like he daily affirmed me that law school was where I was supposed to be. I began to see my blessings, such as being at the top of my class and getting a clerkship with ease as being further affirmation that I was supposed to be in law school. Now, when I am not receiving as visible of an affirmation, I have begun to falter in my assurance that I am where I am supposed to be. I hate that I can let my circumstances dictate my faith. The LORD is faithful regardless of my circumstances. I KNOW THIS TRUTH!!! But applying it has not been the easiest thing.

I have been looking for a clerkship all year and have yet to find employment for this summer. Now, for someone who has gotten every job I have ever applied for until this semester, this has been a hard blow. Those of you that know me well know that my intelligence is an area that I struggle in. Not being able to find a job is making me feel extremely stupid. I know this is not truth but I am feeling dumb none the less. I have applied at so many places and doors keep closing and I am not seeing many open windows in their place…

I also feel like I am failing at all of my friendships I was mentioning earlier that are such a blessing to me. I feel so rushed all the time these days. I do not have the time that I want and need to invest in my friends that so important to me. And for all of you that have not heard from me as much this year as you normally do, I am so sorry. Know I love you so despite my level of communication!

If you are still reading, I hope I have not fully disheartened you and I hope to finally get to a part that might be encouraging! I want you all to know that regardless of how I am feeling about law school and finding a job, I am standing firm and I know that the Lord has a will for my life. I have always (and hopefully will always) wanted to fulfill the Lords plan and not my own. However, having gotten everything I have ever wanted for the majority of my life, it has been quite easy to trust the “Lord” because there was nothing uncomfortable about it. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am finally uncomfortable in my circumstances but I am not giving up! My verse of late has been James 1: 2-4:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Though it is uncomfortable, I am excited for the opportunity to truly preserver so that I may be mature and complete! I have a long way to go... But I don’t plan on giving up anytime soon.

Prayer Requests:

• If you could pray that the Lord would show me where He wants me this summer. And that I would trust Him in His timing and not my own.
• Please pray for peace (Philippians 4: 6-7) for me because unfortunately it comes and goes these days.
• Please pray that I would feel affirmed that I am how the Lord has made me and my intelligence is not dictated by a clerkship or lack there of.

Thank you all! I hope you could gleam a little insight into my life of late and I hope I didn’t leave you disheartened. Law school is only for a season. I am just in one of the hard seasons of law school right now and it is not as enjoyable as I would like… But I don’t see anything in scripture that says my life will always be fun. I do however always hope to posses the love and joy of the Lord regardless of my circumstances. That is my biggest prayer! Feel free to join me in it… (for me and for yourself!)

Gravity

The following is taken from Donald Miller’s Blue Like Jazz (Romance Chapter beginning on p. 147). My friend Amber was talking about it this week and challenged me to read it, so I did. I read it three times. I think it is an extremely interesting quote:

What great gravity is this that drew my soul toward yours? What great force, that though I went falsely, went kicking, went diguising myself to earn your love, also disguised, to earn your keeping, your resting, your staying your will fleshed into mine, rasped by a slowly revealed truth, the barter of my soul, the soul that I fear, the soul that I loathe, the soul that: if you will love, I will love. I will redeem you, if you will redeem me? Is this our purpose, you and I together to pacify each other, to lead each other toward the lie that we are good, that we are noble, that we need not redemption, save the one that you and I invented of our own clay?

I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I went looking, I wrote out a list, I drew an image, I bled a poem of you. You were pretty, and my friends believed I was worthy of you. You were clever, but I was smarter, perhaps the only smarter, the only one able to lead you. You see, love, I did not love you, I loved me. And you were only a tool that I used to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeem myself. And though I have taught you to lay your lily hand in mine, I walk alone, for I cannot talk to you, lest you talk it back to me, lest I believe that I am not worthy, not deserving, not redeemed.

I want desperately for you to be my friend. But you are not my friend; you have slid up warmly to the man I wanted to be, and I was your Jesus and, you were mine. Should I show you who I am, we may crumble. I am not scared of you my love, my love, I am scared of me.

I want to be know and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human like me, that you are fallen like me, that you are lonely like me. My love, do I know you? What is this great gravity that pulls us so painfully toward each other? Why do we not connect? Will we be forever fleshing this out? And how will we with words, narrow words, come into the knowing of each other? Is this God’s way of meriting grace, of teaching us of the labyrinth of His love for us, teaching us, in degrees, that which He is sacrificing to join ourselves to Him? Or better yet, has He formed our being fractional so that we might conclude one great hope, plodding and sighing and beathing into one another in such a great push that we might break through into the known and being loved, only to cave into a greater perdition and fall down at His throne still begging for our acceptance? Begging for our completion?

We were fools to believe that we would redeem each other.

Were I some sleeping Adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the garden, to counsel your timid steps, your bewildered eye, your heart to slow to love, so careful to love, so sheepish that I stepped up my aim and became a man. Is this what God intended? That though He made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in so doing revealing Him.

Will we be in ashes before we are one?

What great gravity is this that drew my heart toward yours? What great force collapsed my orbit, my lonesome state? What is this that wants in me the want in you? Don’t we go at each other with yielded eyes, with cumbered hands and feet, with clunky tongues? This deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other!

I am quitting this thing, but not what you think. I am not going away.

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God’s own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.

I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.

God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.

I wonder if all of us are scared that others will see the real "me" and not care or not love us anymore. I know that fear is real for me. I hate that being "real" is sometimes the hardest thing you can do. Sometimes it is so much easier to pretend to be someone else (both in friendships and in relationships). But that is where I love this quote because at the end of the day I think we all have a desire to protect ourselves but we also have a desire to be really known by someone... And at some point that desire to be known has to win out... Because if not we cannot experience love the way God intended.

This passage reminded me of a Matt Chandler Sermon from May 22, 2005:

The Hebrews didn’t just see love and sex, it was a complex structure based on three words (I only quoted the part about the first 2, feel free to follow the link above and see the full sermon).

The first Hebrew word is raw-ah. Raw-aw is the Hebrew word for companionship. When I think companion, I think about a dog, but that is not rayah. The Hebrew word carries with it this implication; that I have seen in you both good and bad and I’m still willing to walk with you. This is the foundational element of Hebrew love. You cannot have love without raw-ah. Raw-aw can be for a man or a woman but not an inanimate object or animal. So a Hebrew couldn’t love a house or a camel, it wouldn’t make sense. Raw-aw never takes place on a first date because every man can at least pull off one good one; we can put on the cologne, we can iron the nice t-shirt. But rayah does not occur when all is well, it is a decision that takes place the first time you see the dark side. It takes place at the point when you see the bad and choose to walk away or say I’ve seen this about you but I’m here anyway, when you decide to keep going even those there are some things you don’t like. For some of us that happens at 6 weeks, for others 9 months. Unfortunately for some of us that happens after we get married. But some try to hide who they really are and bring a great deal of pain upon themselves. I know its dangerous to throw yourself out there, to say this is who I am, here’s my weaknesses, here’s my strengths. Because what if someone says I can’t live with that, it’s a scary deal. Nobody loves rejection and that’s why we hide from others. But without this foundation of raw-aw, love goes no further.

Song of Solomon, Chapter 5, verse 16, "His mouth is full of sweetness And he is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem." Raw-aw leads into ahabah which is a “love of the will”. Ahabah is that there is no place I’d rather be than right here, right now with you. We like to make that sound really romantic, but ahavah is not about romance, it’s more like your hiding behind the couch while your spouse is throwing things at you trying to kill you. Now with that picture in your mind imagine “that there is no place I’d rather be than right here, right now with you”. Ahabah says, “I’m not going anywhere!” No matter how crazy you are, not matter what issues we have to work through, I’m not going anywhere.

I think it is funny because to be truly known by another person is my biggest fear and my highest goal in life. Though it is only a fear if that person rejects who I am. The joy comes when you show a person your insanity and they accept you for it (or with it).

Regardless of my relationships with people, I take joy in the fact that my Lord knows me inside and out and He will not turn away. God is not going anywhere! But man do I hope to one day understand (on some level) the gravity that drew Him unto us!

Another Semeter Down

Hello All,
Well yesterday I took my last final of the semester. I am officially half way done with law school and I am elated! I have the next month off of school! I plan to spend the first half vegging and the second half writing my "senior thesis"... I know you are thinking that kinda stinks... but it beats writing it during the school year.

As far as how this semester went. It was rough. It is funny, I was looking back at my Christmas blog/letter from last year this time and I am amazed at how little has changed....

I am really praying that the Lord will get the glory for my law school experience. I do not want to freak out about my grades. Everyone around me seems to and I just want to rest in the Lord and be content with what I get...law school is insane and I am really looking forward to my break. They say the first semester is the hardest. I hope that is true, because I do not want to endure this for six whole semesters. It has to get easier...Pray that I would continue to be an encouragement to those in law school and those who are generally around me. I feel like I have been to preoccupied lately... I really want to seek the Lord's will for my life and to fulfill His purpose. It is eases to get distracted during finals. Pray that I would be resting in the Lord despite the craziness. It is only through Him that we can accomplish ANYTHING. I want to know that I depended on Him and got through law school on His strength. That is my goal! :)

I quote this because it is almost exactly what I wanted to say today. I still want nothing more than the Lord to be magnified by my life. It is still my daily prayer that I would somehow manage to walk into law school and proclaim His name by my words and my actions. And I still feel completely and utterly blown away by His grace to me on a daily basis.

I can honestly say the Lord carried me through this semester. The first semester is undoubtedly not the hardest. Although I venture to guess this one was. This semester was hard because there was always a million things I needed to do. It bugs me that I so easily get into a frantic rush mode and I so quickly forget the things that are really important.

One of my friends reminded me of a great verse during my finals crunch and it encouraged me so I want to share it with you now:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. -- Hebrews 12:1-3

Thank you to all of you who were diligent to pray for me this semester! Your prayer means more to me than you will ever know! Know that my prayer for you is that you would fix your eyes on Jesus and run the race marked out for you! :)

Law School Update

I could not be more excited about my grades. I have never felt like writing was my strong suit and to have four essay tests in which I was being compared to people who have been writing for years, I was extremely intimidated. But the Lord is good. I put my faith in Him and He provided. I never expected to get an A in the entire time I was in law school, so to get one in my first semester truly blew me away. I pray that I can continue to depend on the Lord and not on myself for the next five semesters. I think that the biggest blessing bestowed on me through my grades is the knowledge that I can handle law school. I came to school not knowing exactly what specialty I wanted to do and in some ways not know what I was doing at all. I trust that the Lord will show me what he wants me to do with my degree, but surviving the first semester and doing well shows me that He does have a purpose for me being in law school and it is exciting. I still have no clue what I am going to do when I graduate, but I have complete faith that He will show me... In His timing. :)

My classes this semester seem like they are going to be interesting. My teachers seem nice so far... but we will see. I do not think any of them are going to be as inappropriate as one of mine was last semester so that is a blessing. I will have to update you more later on my teachers since I haven't really felt them out yet. My criminal law class is going to be very reading intensive. I have already had to read 148 pages and it is day 3... My other classes seem about like my classes from last semester. The only difference is this semester I have one more class than I had last semester so I may be bussier if that is even possible. My goal this semester as it was last semester is to keep my priorities in order and keep the Lord first in my life.

In case you didn't know, I am going overseas to Oxford this summer. I have always wanted to study abroad but have never actually done it for one reason or another. This summer is the last time that I will have the option to go overseas so I decided to stop coming up with excuses not to go and to actually do it. I am going with a program through OU so I will not know anyone before I go. Hopefully I will be able to make some friends on the trip though and I will be able to travel a little while I am in Europe. I have never been before so I want to see EVERYTHING. I know that I won't get to everything in one summer, but it is a start. :) I am taking 6 hours so my workload will be lighter once I get back. :)

Also, I am applying to go overseas during my spring break. My Church is hosting a trip to Guatemala and I am applying for it. Please pray that the Lord's will would be done. If I get accepted to the trip I will have to raise support in a very short amount of time, which is scary... You can be praying for that also. I am really excited about potentially going on this trip! :) I have never been on a mission trip before and I hope this is in the Lord\'s timing. I will let you know more later. :)

Anyway, thanks again for all of your prayer and encouragement. Please email me and let me know how you are doing!
Yours Truly,
Jennifer Lewis

Jen's Thoughts on Law School

Well my first week of law school is almost over, so I thought I would write you all and let you know how it has been going.

It is exhilarating, challenging, riveting and I honestly wouldn't wish it on anyone (not really). :) It is extremely HARD. I have never had to work at anything more in my entire life, but it builds character, I guess. As of today, I definitely know I am where God wants me to be and that I am going to have to rely solely on Him to get through the next three years. I have had at least four hours of preparation every night for the next day of class and then a few hours of review to do every day after class. All in all, I am averaging five hours of sleep a night this week and the rest of my time is spent studying or in class. I know it is going to get easier time wise once I actually know what I am doing, I just haven't gotten to that point yet. However, today I survived my worst nightmare, so I truly think it is going to be downhill from here.

Law school operates on the Socratic method, where one student dialogues with the teacher on issues and points in order to further their and the classes understanding of the law. Most professors make the student participate for 5-10 minutes at a time and then move on to their next victim. (I had to participate for five minutes in my Contracts class both on the fist day and on Wednesday and did OK!) That is all except for my civil procedure class. Wrong.

This teacher calls on one person per day to be what he calls his 'helper' for the day. You basically have to dialogue with him the whole time and state all the facts of the case and argue any point he sees fit in debating. We had our first class yesterday and the poor guy that was called on for the day got obliterated. It wouldn't be that bad if our prof didn't insult us when we get something wrong or don't know an answer, but he does. Well, I had a lot to do last night, and long story short was not as prepared for class today as I would have liked to have been. So before class I was joking with the guys behind me about Murphy's law (whatever can go wrong, will) and said that today would be my day because I wasn't prepared. (You see,I have briefed (legal summary) every case and been fully prepared for every class this week (which so far has been seven cases and another 50-70 pages of material), except this one. I had read the case and the rules of procedure for it twice, but had not written my brief yet.)

And sure enough, class starts and I got to play helper today...Yea! The first thing he asked me was the facts of the case, to which I replied by stating the facts before the appellant court. He proceeded to tell me he would be up at the podium sleeping until I got to the point, and to please wake him up when I decide to get there. As you all know, I do not scare easy, instead I get angry... So, wisely keeping my temper I changed my course of action and proceeded to tell him the facts of the district trial that was being appealed. He was much happier with this answer and from there it was smooth sailing for the most part.

I don't think the rest of the class thinks I am an idiot and I managed to have an answer to ever question that he didn't find insult worthy for the remainder of the class, but it was very intense to say the least. I think he is insulting because opposing council would be in a court case, but still, it is crazy to have to sit there and let a teacher tell you that you are wrong, illogical, or just plain stupid...

Anyway, each day is getting easier and I am becoming more confident in my ability to actually get through this, but I still feel like I am drowning. I hope next week will be better and every week after that too. The interesting thing about law school is it is all a matter of weighing all the options and you have to be able to argue both sides of every case presented before you. It makes you change your way of thinking and become extremely analytical.

So the next time you see me measuring the pro's and con's of doing laundry or eating ice cream, go easy on me, I will figure out the balance between law and life eventually. I think the hardest thing is going to be being fully prepared for each class because you never know when you will be called. (The amount of reading we have to do to be prepared is mind blowing.)

That, or the fact that we only have a final exam. Our teachers told us that it is going to be radically different than our undergraduate studies because we will all get the answers right to a degree on the test. My teacher informed us that we are graded on our analytical reasoning and our ability to argue and see all ends of the spectrum in law and in cases. He said in a given semester with 90 students in a class, he will maybe get 2 wrong answers in total. That means the other 88 of us are writing essentially the same stuff and who says it best gets the good grade. To bad I wasn't an English major. Needless to say, it is different than my multiple choice tests at A&M. I hope I am adjusting well, but I still have a little bit of the deer in the headlights syndrome that I am working through. I will let you know when, if ever, it goes away.

Don't feel to sorry for me though, because amongst all the craziness, I am truly enjoying myself and think that I can be happy in the long run within the realm of law. As of now, I am content resting on God and knowing that He is providing for me on a daily basis...Well, I hope that gives you a little taste of my life at late and I pray you are doing well. Feel free to email me back or call me and let me know what you are up to. I am never to busy for my friends, although I may not pick up my phone or email you back for a few days... Hehe. Know that I still care and my friendships are my main priority and I would much rather hear how you are doing than read my case books, believe me. :)
Yours Truly,
~Jen