My Heart at the Moment

I have not sent out a real update in a long time… partly because I have been busy and partly because I have not really had anything encouraging to write about. Though I still am not feeling very encouraged by my circumstances, my prayer is to leave you encouraged by my update none the less!

I am extremely blessed! I have a loving Savior who died on the Cross for my sins. Not only that but I have known Him for a long time and He has blessed me abundantly by showing me His path from a young age and thus keeping me out of trouble for the most part. I have more deep, real, and amazing friendships than I could ever imagine. And solid friendships that I am confident will stand the test of time. I have more than a handful of people who are dedicated to pray for me on an almost daily basis. Basically, I have gotten everything I have ever wanted. Everything. I have never had to experience hardship. I have never gone hungry. I have always had shelter and I have always had unconditional love. Not just unconditional love from my Lord, but I have been blessed with unconditional love from my family and close friends. I state all of this for myself and not for you. As I prepare to tell you all what I am struggling with I want to remind myself of the many blessings I have. And I want to remind myself that the Lord has always been faithful to me in EVERYTHING and this is no exception.

That being said, I can use your prayer in everything dealing with law school. It is so hard and so discouraging. And if I am not GROUNDED in prayer there are areas that I can be very easily attacked. Last year, God was so unbelievably faithful to confirm that I am supposed to be in law school. I feel like he daily affirmed me that law school was where I was supposed to be. I began to see my blessings, such as being at the top of my class and getting a clerkship with ease as being further affirmation that I was supposed to be in law school. Now, when I am not receiving as visible of an affirmation, I have begun to falter in my assurance that I am where I am supposed to be. I hate that I can let my circumstances dictate my faith. The LORD is faithful regardless of my circumstances. I KNOW THIS TRUTH!!! But applying it has not been the easiest thing.

I have been looking for a clerkship all year and have yet to find employment for this summer. Now, for someone who has gotten every job I have ever applied for until this semester, this has been a hard blow. Those of you that know me well know that my intelligence is an area that I struggle in. Not being able to find a job is making me feel extremely stupid. I know this is not truth but I am feeling dumb none the less. I have applied at so many places and doors keep closing and I am not seeing many open windows in their place…

I also feel like I am failing at all of my friendships I was mentioning earlier that are such a blessing to me. I feel so rushed all the time these days. I do not have the time that I want and need to invest in my friends that so important to me. And for all of you that have not heard from me as much this year as you normally do, I am so sorry. Know I love you so despite my level of communication!

If you are still reading, I hope I have not fully disheartened you and I hope to finally get to a part that might be encouraging! I want you all to know that regardless of how I am feeling about law school and finding a job, I am standing firm and I know that the Lord has a will for my life. I have always (and hopefully will always) wanted to fulfill the Lords plan and not my own. However, having gotten everything I have ever wanted for the majority of my life, it has been quite easy to trust the “Lord” because there was nothing uncomfortable about it. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am finally uncomfortable in my circumstances but I am not giving up! My verse of late has been James 1: 2-4:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Though it is uncomfortable, I am excited for the opportunity to truly preserver so that I may be mature and complete! I have a long way to go... But I don’t plan on giving up anytime soon.

Prayer Requests:

• If you could pray that the Lord would show me where He wants me this summer. And that I would trust Him in His timing and not my own.
• Please pray for peace (Philippians 4: 6-7) for me because unfortunately it comes and goes these days.
• Please pray that I would feel affirmed that I am how the Lord has made me and my intelligence is not dictated by a clerkship or lack there of.

Thank you all! I hope you could gleam a little insight into my life of late and I hope I didn’t leave you disheartened. Law school is only for a season. I am just in one of the hard seasons of law school right now and it is not as enjoyable as I would like… But I don’t see anything in scripture that says my life will always be fun. I do however always hope to posses the love and joy of the Lord regardless of my circumstances. That is my biggest prayer! Feel free to join me in it… (for me and for yourself!)